I have honestly never felt this lost before. Everything is crumbling beneath me and I have nowhere to turn and I can do nothing to change it.  I am trapped and I have no way to get out.  I have lost my friends, my confidence, my team, my family and my hope.

I have cried myself to sleep every night lately.  I have done some drastic things and somethings I regret.  I have contemplated terrible things.  In the process I have pushed everyone that could help away and the ones that remain are doing all the wrong things.

I really can't deal with this anymore.  Nothing has gotten better and things just keep happening to make things worse and push me farther into the black abyss. 

I apoligize if I cant go on.  It doesn't feel like it is going to get better and I am drowning in my own tears. 

I want to give up. I really want to.  But at the same time I want the option to come back.  I now weigh the consequences.

I can give up now and be done dealing with this crap forever or I can fake more smiles and cry some more and hope that there is a chance things will get better.

I don't know how much longer I can wait.

I hate my life. I have myself. I hate this pain. I give up.

So pretty much I have just decided to be happy.  It is too much work being sad.  I am going to try to get along with people and I am going to try to get to know people I used to avoid.  I want to smile more.  Stress is not a good loom on anyone. Even the happiest of people have had hard times. I learned that today. I will stop chasing boys and learn to be happy now instead of waiting until it seems more ideal. 

It is hard to talk to Mobo and not want to change. 

No, I am not mad at you as mad would imply someday I wont be. I am annoyed, frusterated and tired of you.  We have changed and trying to force us to be friends just wont work anymore. There is no seat for you at the lunch table as you have been replaced.  We have new locker mates because I like them better.  I hate your complaining and judging and  hating everyone.

Sorry if it sounds harsh and maybe I am doing something wrong writing you off like this, but we just can't make it.

Sarah, why did you do this to me? I was happy with the ways things were. Yes, me and him flirt but it is all in fun and neither of us (or at least I) didn't expect or want anyhting to come of it.  Now you have me thinking....alot, about what it would be like if it was different.  What it would be like to be with him as more than friends. The strange thing is, and I know this sounds crazy, is that I actually feel something (physically) when I think of him and I don't want to.  I like "Don" not this other one.  For the first time I didn't "fall in love" with someone just because he had man parts. I liked being friends with a guy. It was new to me to have something like that be uncomplicated by my desperate search for love. 

Kayla says I liked him all along and having someone try to convince me of it, actually made me convince myself.

I am actually stressed over a guy. This doesn't happen. I don't know why he has such a hold on me. Yes he is really nice and makes me laugh and enjoy myself more than anyone, but he is not of my physical appearance standards. What to do?

YAY! Best buy finally called me back! I go in for orientation on saturday and start work next week! I am so relieved! It turns out the drug testing place screwed up everyones Social Security Number so they had to get that sorted out.

I feel 100 pounds lighted without this burden!

My blood tests came up negitive for everything. So I guess we still don't know what is wrong with me. Great....

Best buy is being very flaky.  I took my drug test a week ago. They said they would get the results in 3 days and call me. When I hadn't gotten a call by wednesday, I went in and talked to them. They said my test was one of a few that had gotten delayed. Then they said they would call me thursday. I called them today and they said michelle would call me in a few minutes. I have been waiting for 3 hours.

COME ON!!

Home alone with Dad for 2 days. I thought I would die. But, surprisingly, it hasn't been that bad.

I went in for blood tests yesterday to check my thyroid and lipids. I sort of want the results to say I have something that was I can have a reason for the "thing that made me go get the blood tests to beging with and I will not be sharing that here".  But at the same time, I want to be healthy

School is officially out for the summer!! YAY!!

I have so many gals for this summer I don't know if I will be able to do them all. But I will assure you, I will not let this summer be a failure

The High-Five team is all organized. We have 2 more people then we are allowed to have however. Wilsone said it would be ok and I guess it is if someone gets sick or something, but I hope he doesn't expect me to be the one to tell them "sorry, you didn't make the cut."  I am terrible at telling people no. I hate it.  Maybe I should work on that.

I don't like to hurt people though....unless the deserve it

The party was actually incredably fun. It was boring at fist so many of us left and went for a walk through the nature park when we got back the party was hoppin'.  I got my groove on and had a good time. Beth looked gorgeous and that made me a bit jealous.  She also got tons of gifts, a benifit of inviting 100 people.

I am glad I went

Had to write a resume in careers today.  I feel so un-worldly. In order to fill the page I had to add that I won an award in 4th grade. Man I need to accomplish something

However, high five is now a for sure.  The team is almost put together. It is exciting that I am leading this!